Complete and utterless disorganized ramblings
I was talking to my friends online today and one wants me to go to Mexico during summer vacation with her, another wants me to go to Greece. I told them both I had other plans in the works and probably will not be able to go with them. They said to me "we are disappointed you can't come with either of us."
My response to that was "I seem to be disappointing a lot of people these days. It seems to be a trend."
It was just a spontaneous comment on my part, but now that I'm thinking about it...is it really that spontaneous or is it something that I've been feeling but not been able to express. All of a sudden I feel very down and tired. I usually keep myself very busy but often the thought that sneaks into my head is that I do that so I don't have to deal with all the stuff in my life. And now that I have some free time, and am actually spending the time to think and sort out some stuff I realize how true it is. Either I can wallow in my misery or ignore it. I tend to do the latter but when I do deal with it, the low is very low.
The more I think about it, the more I think the comment I made to my friends is based in some reality...at least a part of me feels that way. My dad keeps commenting that he is disappointed that a guy he had tried to set me up with last March didn't work out. I find it frustrating that he always says this when the topic of conversatoin is the lack of a guy in my life. My mom is disappointed b/c I just said no to another person (when u hear about this person you would know why). She thinks that if I keep saying flat out no to people then people won't come. Well it's not like people are coming anyways. On paper I look good, but in real life I lack two major things: 1) financial status of my family and 2) looks. People leave "disappointed" when they realize these two factors. I told my mom I have only ever flat out said no to one person. You can't expect me to all of a sudden say yes to someone I just met, barely know and only b/c they look good on paper. At first I was angry but now it just saddens me...it saddens me that this is what my life has been reduced. I have expressed sentiments similar to this before but I have never really felt that I've been a disappointment to people. My logical part screams out in horror that I feel this way and can come up with 10 reasons why this is not the case but in my heart of hearts I do believe that it's true. Why are women always beating themselves over things. Why do we always have to be everything to everyone. Why do we have to apologize if want something simply for ourselves or to satisfy our desires and wants? Why does society think we can only be happy or fullfilled if we sacrifice ourselves as much as we can? In my heart of hearts, if I am truly honest with myself, I also see that I can't remember the last time I was truly, unconditionally happy. If anything, I would say I'm constantly in a low grade depression. Is my outgoing personality and in your face personality then a defence mechanism to avoid people from getting too close to me? But then it frustrates me that people can't see past (for lack of a better word) my "facade". It scares me that people will see my vulnerabilities but at the same time I want them to see them and reassure me. I want someone to break down my guard and say to me it's ok that you can't be everything to everyone. It's ok that you can't solve every problem. It's ok to be vulnerable and show that side of you. And most importantly, for someone to simply say everything will be allright. You know, I can't remember the last time someone actually said that to me. I can't remember the last time when I didn't have to take charge of a situation to fix it. I'm tired of people saying "why aren't u doing something about such and such" ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I seemed to have sidetracked quite a bit. Disappointment...truth be told these days I feel disappointed in myself...for my shortcomings, for what I perceive as my failures, for my increasing arrogance and cynicism and the fact that my attempts to curb it have been unsuccessful.
Is that then how I define success...by being everything to everyone, by living up to everyone's expectations and when that doesn't happen, feeling like a failure? Again, logically this is retarded but one cannot change the way one feels, no matter what logic dictates. Is this the underlying reason why I chose to live my life the way I do. Why I remained a goody goody? All those reasons I spew out for why I did or did not do certain thigns in my life...are they then just excuses to cover up this fact that I do not want to admit to anyone?
Why should I feel like I have to live up to all these expectations when most of the people in my life have not lived up to my expectations. I never have expectations from my friends. That way I am never disappointed in them and everything that they do for me is just a pleasant surprise. But I did have expectations from family members...and still do even when I try not to b/c time and time again, they have been broken.
Feeling all alone in this world even though you are surrounded by a tonne of people is perhaps one of the worst feelings you can feel. I know my loneliness stems from my feeling that everyone depends on me and yet I have not been able to depend on anyone for the last 10 years of my life. It stems from the fact that the people who theoretically should have been there, who should have been better people, who should have acted in a more dignified manner have done nothing.
So many times I have thought to myself (when I allow myself to think and evaluate my life as it is) that I would give absolutely anything that I have to get away...for a day, for two days, when I am completely free and have total peace of mind. I envy those children/people who are not cognitively that advanced...they are sincerely happy for the sake of being happy. The inability to realize/see things for what they really are make for a much more content existence.
Anyhow, I've rambled for a while...these are just some thoughts that had been racing through my head (sometimes I think I have manic tendencies) and could never say out loud or write down fast enough. Although it won't make sense to most people, it makes complete sense to me.
Today I just feel like oh woe it is to be me!
My response to that was "I seem to be disappointing a lot of people these days. It seems to be a trend."
It was just a spontaneous comment on my part, but now that I'm thinking about it...is it really that spontaneous or is it something that I've been feeling but not been able to express. All of a sudden I feel very down and tired. I usually keep myself very busy but often the thought that sneaks into my head is that I do that so I don't have to deal with all the stuff in my life. And now that I have some free time, and am actually spending the time to think and sort out some stuff I realize how true it is. Either I can wallow in my misery or ignore it. I tend to do the latter but when I do deal with it, the low is very low.
The more I think about it, the more I think the comment I made to my friends is based in some reality...at least a part of me feels that way. My dad keeps commenting that he is disappointed that a guy he had tried to set me up with last March didn't work out. I find it frustrating that he always says this when the topic of conversatoin is the lack of a guy in my life. My mom is disappointed b/c I just said no to another person (when u hear about this person you would know why). She thinks that if I keep saying flat out no to people then people won't come. Well it's not like people are coming anyways. On paper I look good, but in real life I lack two major things: 1) financial status of my family and 2) looks. People leave "disappointed" when they realize these two factors. I told my mom I have only ever flat out said no to one person. You can't expect me to all of a sudden say yes to someone I just met, barely know and only b/c they look good on paper. At first I was angry but now it just saddens me...it saddens me that this is what my life has been reduced. I have expressed sentiments similar to this before but I have never really felt that I've been a disappointment to people. My logical part screams out in horror that I feel this way and can come up with 10 reasons why this is not the case but in my heart of hearts I do believe that it's true. Why are women always beating themselves over things. Why do we always have to be everything to everyone. Why do we have to apologize if want something simply for ourselves or to satisfy our desires and wants? Why does society think we can only be happy or fullfilled if we sacrifice ourselves as much as we can? In my heart of hearts, if I am truly honest with myself, I also see that I can't remember the last time I was truly, unconditionally happy. If anything, I would say I'm constantly in a low grade depression. Is my outgoing personality and in your face personality then a defence mechanism to avoid people from getting too close to me? But then it frustrates me that people can't see past (for lack of a better word) my "facade". It scares me that people will see my vulnerabilities but at the same time I want them to see them and reassure me. I want someone to break down my guard and say to me it's ok that you can't be everything to everyone. It's ok that you can't solve every problem. It's ok to be vulnerable and show that side of you. And most importantly, for someone to simply say everything will be allright. You know, I can't remember the last time someone actually said that to me. I can't remember the last time when I didn't have to take charge of a situation to fix it. I'm tired of people saying "why aren't u doing something about such and such" ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I seemed to have sidetracked quite a bit. Disappointment...truth be told these days I feel disappointed in myself...for my shortcomings, for what I perceive as my failures, for my increasing arrogance and cynicism and the fact that my attempts to curb it have been unsuccessful.
Is that then how I define success...by being everything to everyone, by living up to everyone's expectations and when that doesn't happen, feeling like a failure? Again, logically this is retarded but one cannot change the way one feels, no matter what logic dictates. Is this the underlying reason why I chose to live my life the way I do. Why I remained a goody goody? All those reasons I spew out for why I did or did not do certain thigns in my life...are they then just excuses to cover up this fact that I do not want to admit to anyone?
Why should I feel like I have to live up to all these expectations when most of the people in my life have not lived up to my expectations. I never have expectations from my friends. That way I am never disappointed in them and everything that they do for me is just a pleasant surprise. But I did have expectations from family members...and still do even when I try not to b/c time and time again, they have been broken.
Feeling all alone in this world even though you are surrounded by a tonne of people is perhaps one of the worst feelings you can feel. I know my loneliness stems from my feeling that everyone depends on me and yet I have not been able to depend on anyone for the last 10 years of my life. It stems from the fact that the people who theoretically should have been there, who should have been better people, who should have acted in a more dignified manner have done nothing.
So many times I have thought to myself (when I allow myself to think and evaluate my life as it is) that I would give absolutely anything that I have to get away...for a day, for two days, when I am completely free and have total peace of mind. I envy those children/people who are not cognitively that advanced...they are sincerely happy for the sake of being happy. The inability to realize/see things for what they really are make for a much more content existence.
Anyhow, I've rambled for a while...these are just some thoughts that had been racing through my head (sometimes I think I have manic tendencies) and could never say out loud or write down fast enough. Although it won't make sense to most people, it makes complete sense to me.
Today I just feel like oh woe it is to be me!
posted by Anokhi at
8:20 PM
