Boredom

Just read a post from my friend, Tazzy...inspired me to write down what I've been feeling for probably the last year or so.

So three years ago, I get into medical school...that had been the biggest priority in my life during undergrad. First year was spent really making friends, getting over the homesickness and figuring out what it's like to live on ur own (and putting up with that god awful appartment! ARGH the horror!)

Second year ws spent having fun with my friends here in Kingston, missing home less

Third year...what can I say about third year. A very hectic year...finished pre-clerskhip, left the classroom forever and starting working in the hospitals. Never doubted myself more than I did in the beginning but thankfully, things have worked out well. Residency application time is here and as usual I'm procrastinating. I really don't care...part of me wonders if this is due to over confidence (which is a dangerous thing to develop this early on in my career) or that I've become so blazay (??sp) about it?

All this aside, these are things that have been on my mind over the past year.

The first being, while I love living on my own, living in Kingston along with having to work terrible hours really is getting to me. People tend to forget about you when you are out of sight. Isn't there a saying that goes: out of sight, out of mind? Many who treated me as if I was one of their closest friends have not kept in touch and often do not share important news personally. Ive realized that although I value friendship tremendously and feel my friends are a very important part of my life, for some people friendship is simply a momentary thing...something that happens when the circumstances are right. When the situation changes and the friendship dies...no matter how close you were to the person or how much you like the person. Friendships of convenience.

The second being, is the whole routineness of everything (is that even a word). I'm in the prime of my life (supposedly) and I'm so utterly bored. Things don't excite me as much as they used to. The things that do, I really have nobody to share with. My friends in Kingston are just as busy as I am and don't have time to get excited. My friends in Toronto are so far away...calling is such an effort (and I am a very lazy person when it comes to calling people). It is during the times I get great feedback from attendings or see something wierd or take a walk along Kingston's waterfront or go away on a trip or whatever that I really realize how alone I am. I've tried sharing with my parents but I've realized that half the time they are not really listening and the times they have, they don't get it. People who know me, know I get excited by not only the big things in life, but the small things as well...only now my excitement is extremely short lived because just as quickly that ache starts that I feel in the middle of the night when I can't fall asleep, or when I feel sad by what I've seen in the hospital, or when I watch a cheezy Indian movie and the guy woes the girl in a sappy but romantic way. I guess I never thought that I'd end up alone...a part of me always figured, hey, i'm not such a bad gal...a little chubby but cute, easy to get along with, it should be pretty easy. The simple things in life, I don't enjoy anymore b/c they almost inevitably bring on that ache...which I wish would just go away. I, who always preaches that a woman should not reduce herself to the point where having a man in her life becomes an all encompassing thing...where she can't define herself unless she has a man...where she can't do a nything without a man...I now wonder if I should just keep my mouth shut.

Why do I feel that having someone will complete me? I can't forget how fortunate I am...I'm doing something in my life that I want to do...I've been given an opportunity that others only dream about. I'm successful, I'm intelligent, I can look good when I make the effort, I'm easy to talk to, my patients love me and yet...it's still not enough.

Is this a biological/physiological need that we have been ingrained with to ensure the propagation of mankind? (No i'm not talking about being horny. that's another topic alltogether). The need to have companionship, without which we feel imcomplete no matter what else is perfect in our lives. Or is this just something that grows out of our environment, our upbringing and being bombarded by the media that this is what is expected of us as women? I wonder even after (that is IF) I find someone, will I still feel empty and incomplete. Will I still long for something more? Will I still be bored with the routine. Why can't I be satisfied with all that I have. Maybe it's because I expected life to be this melodramatic soap opera where fireworks are always exploding whenever something important happens in our lives and where things are never routine.

Aite, enough babbling. As always I need to clean my house (I can't wait to be able to afford a cleaning lady!)