I've come to realize (yet again) that I'm one of those people who absolutely needs to have a busy life in order to be productive and get things done. I've aslo realized I am a "to-do" list person. I've been trying to avoid the list the last few months and it does'nt work. I procrastinate over the dumbest things (like hanging the picture I bought for my bedoom 6weeks ago...it's still sitting leaning up against the wall I wanted to put it on. At least I have it).


This past month has been the lightest for me with respect to work and time off in I can't remember how long. Had 6 scheduled days off...had many days where I finished work by 1 or 2 pm (unheard of in my job) and spent countless weeknights and most of my weekends in TO.

For the first couple of days of this week I had off (I wasn't assignmed to any OR and all of them had residents already so I came home) and yet I still did not get things done that I easily could have gotten done. The minute I made a list though, I got about half of them done.

A few realizations over the past month...some old ones just reinforced, some new ones.
1) too much free time on my hands and I think way too much about dumb ass things.
2) too much free time on my hands, and I get nothing done
3) my attention span is improving, albeit very slowly :P
4) I absolutely LOVE downtown TO...and am actually considering moving there once my lease is up in Hamilton. I just have to see what the winter is like and what the cost in time and money will be of commuting and living there.
5) Although I love my appartment here, I barely spend any time at home. I hate coming home to a beautiful yet empty home.
6) I love to have some free time on my hands but too much makes me go nuts
7) I have fantastic friends that I wouldn't trade for the world and whom I don't thank enough.
8) If you are content with who you are and where you are in your life, then things that previously had a great negative impact on you, cease to do so. You can face any challenge or obstacle with more grace and without it affecting your sense of self worth. As such, all that negative energy no longer drains you. It's a very refreshing feeling.
9) After a very long time, I am finally content and living life for myself. It's a great feeling :)
10) enough sappiness for one day...that's all you are going to get from me in a while :P

Gora by Tagore

I finally finished reading Gora by Tagore...although a slow read (the man has some very interesting things to say that you actually need to think about), very interesting book. Probably need to read it a few times to get everything out of it. The man brilliantly makes a comment on so many aspects of society, human nature, women, individuals, religion etc just by telling a story. Not only were his ideas advanced for his time, they are advanced for today as well. While people have been putting out similar ideas for the last few decades, the reality is, the amount of openness, tolerance and equality for all that he refers, has still not been adopted by most of the world. Even in parts of the world where it has seemingly been adopted officially, the lay person has yet to truly make it part of their ideals and live by it.

Some interesting excerpts from his book:

" Those who merely live according to rule do not advance society, they only carry it along...God never under any conditions binds His creation with fetters; He awakens it through constant changes to ever new life."

"I have understood today that the course of human life is like that of a great river which, by the force of its swiftness, takes quite new and unforseen channels where before there was no current--such varied currents and unpremediated changes are part of God's purpose to our lives. Life is not an artificial canal to be confined within prescribed channels. When once this is clearly seen in our own lives then we shall not be able to be misled by any mere fabrications."

"We want divine men --supermen, and we shall get them too if only we can desire them with all our hearts and all our minds. But if we want them in a foolish manner, then we need must be content to burden the earth with demons to whom no evil doing is foreign, and whom we allow to earn their livelihood by shaking the dust of their feet on our heads."

Sigh...unfathomable for me to have that kind of intellectual brialliance :)

Games

For some odd reason, over the last few weeks people have brought up the topic of mind games numerous times. I've had some very interesting conversations with a whole slew of people. I've also heard some pretty impressive stories about how people have played games with other people.

Now my question is, do people who play mind games, really know that they are doing it? Is it a conscious act, where they sit and think about how they are going to screw with someone's head or do is it a sub-conscious, impulsive act? Is it something in one's environment/culture that they pick up and then emulate in their own personal life? Or is this something that occurs on many levels of society and those of us who feel that we do not do this are simply being naive? I mean, look at politics and government...perhaps the ultimate mind game. Media is another example: full of propaganda and one sided stories...also a mind game with the intent of swaying a public to one particular agenda. Moving up the corporate ladder, getting into med school/law school/teacher's college...all require an interview process where it definitely helps if you know the right people, it helps if you say/convey the right things through your work/application etc. even if it doesn't represent the real you. Case in point: (using the med school application process as an example since it is what I know best) the number of people who did research/volunteer work etc. for the sole purpose of beefing up their resume is astounding. Of those people, most will whole heartedly espouse the merits of doing research, their love for it etc in their interviews...a form of mind games. I will say what you want to hear and sway you in my favor. Is it any real surprise then that people play mind games with others in real life. It is very difficult to always be completely honest and straight forward out in the world...when will you ever tell your boss that his project sucks, when will politicians ever say what they are really thinking or wanting to do, when will a candidate applying to a particular program ever say that the only reason I have applied to your school is to simply increase my odds and has nothing to do with what your program has to offer. We all say and do the right things to move ahead in our school/professional lives, even if it is not the entire truth. I remember while applying for my residency programs, I myself told friends, "it's a game...and you have to play the game in order to get where you want to get." Now if we are taught in our professional lives, in our school lives, in the public domain that it is ok to beat around the bush and be "political" in how we say things and never take a stance, then is it really surprising that people adopt this habit in their real life.

Some people even grow up with this in their homes. How many times have we heard people of the generation before us say that you must do something or you can't do something b/c of "what will people say" if you don't do what is expected of you? It's ok to pretend to like someone to their face and then say crap behind their back. Perhaps this is a way to make oneself feel better about themselves. If you focus on someone else's deficiencies, you can make your own flaws seem less important. In talking to people over the last few weeks and hearing what people have done/said to them/about them, I was flabbergasted at how some adults act like they are 10 years old. First of all, how do people find the time to think of the things they have done. Why do people not have the balls to say what they truly feel, and if they for some reason don't want to share that or don't know, why don't they just say that? I get headaches when someone is trying to screw with my mind, I think if I sat there and thought of some of my own, I'd get a never ending migraine!!

There seems to be this inherent fear to put yourself out there, to really say what you are thinking. Part of it may stem from the fact that the honest raw truth sometimes makes us face that which we do not like about ourselves and nobody wants to advertise their own flaws to the world. But that doens't give people a licence to hurt others and yet that is what we do. Part of it stems from our inability to want to display our vulnerabilities. Yet these are not excuses to misbehave. People can be tactful and yet still be honest...it's a skill that is not only hard to learn but even harder to put into practice.

I don't think I'm done with this post and if it is all over the place, it's because I'm trying to sort out the issue myself in my head. Any interesting comments would be appreciated. :)

Update on my life: same ole same ole :P